Humor Diary of a confined: confinement S4, kilo 5, beer 79

The weather is really beautiful, almost 26 ° C in the shade, it's great for the month of April. I walk downtown, quietly. Everyone is taking advantage of this promising start to spring. I go to La Poste because it was not possible to drop off parcels recently. I take this opportunity to kiss a friend who takes her dog out. I continue my momentum to go and have Argentinian Tofu ribs for the barbecue this afternoon. I invited my sister and my stepfather as well as my goddaughter. It's going to be good to see each other again, it's been a while. The children will take the opportunity to play like crazy in the garden.

The skirts are getting shorter, the flies fart, the maggots ban…

- Dad !

A pretty MILF walks up to me. I do not believe it.

- Dad !

It's a little embarrassing the way she calls me, but hey, if that makes her happy, she can even call me Monique, I don't care.

- Dad ! wake up, it's time !

Oh damn, that was a dream! Oh the loose, it's not true. It smells of a rotten day when you start with a stick and the urge to whine.

Who wakes me up? and shit, my kids… they're still here…

- Yeah
- We're hungry, it's noon ...
- Go in the fridge, there are beers, and learn how to cook shit.

Well, being still a good father, I made them nuggets that I threw them by the door of their room. Yes, I remind you that children are potential viral bombs. Manu said it! And even after 1 month locked up, they are still dangerous because the schools are still closed. At the same time, given the average age of teachers and mistresses, I understand… There is going to be a massacre in national education. It is more safe to do the lessons on the Internet and sleep afterwards. I take my hat off to the PE and music teachers who manage to do distance learning courses. Homework is not easy anyway ...

- Dad, I have to do 3 cardio sessions, push-ups and all, have to time myself.
- Eh ? Have you practiced?
- Yes, I did 2'36 for one session.
- OK, well put 8'12. It's 8'12 ...
- But, really must be done!
- Sorry ?
- No, nothing ... asshole ...
- Eh ?
- Nothing nothing…
- I prefer that, Machin

It's now 5 kg and 79 beers that I am locked up with my kids. Anyway, my kids… There's nothing for sure considering how they shoot me out through my eyes. To be so boring, she is really their real mother, but concerning myself, I have more and more doubts ...

Frankly, between us, we didn't have the most annoying virus in the world? Not a zombie, no riot, nothing… We're pissed off, that's all. Covid-19 my ass! Confid-19 yes! But what swells me this confinement. What do I want to go out to say to my neighbor, with sympathy, all the bad things I think of her. I remember with nostalgia when I called her a bitch because she vacuumed at 7:30 in the morning with the windows open. I still think so, but I can't tell him anymore. It undermines me. And this neighbor who decided to go into confinement to redo his roof on his own and who bangs on his you all day! But what do I want to put his hammer in the ass to this asshole! But I can't… I don't dare go out!

I watch BFM on repeat and they say a lot of awful things: there are dead people, people who are sick all over the world. The USA put the dead in mass graves, in other countries they leave them in the streets! You realize ?! But the worst part is that in some countries, they have set up exit certificates and they are still sick! I personally believe that these certificates no longer protect us against disease. I think the virus has found a way around our magic mantra. We are bad, very bad ...

But despite everything I have one hope: the masks! At first, the government said it was useless, especially Sibête, who did not know how to use it. But I understood why they said that. We cannot say that it is crap, that it is useless and then ask everyone to make it, even in PQ if necessary… We would have to be stupid to take us so much for cons. No ? Okay, at the beginning there weren't any but… that's what they wanted us to believe!

Because, in fact, I have a reliable source (my cat, who can travel as he pleases), that in fact Professor Raoult was not working on the Chloroquine treatment, because it has been tested for a lot of time and then, between us, the Chinese were not going to build a hospital in 10 days just for 3 deaths (which corresponds to half a day of gastro at home).

No, the Chinese haven't found anything in terms of treatment and Professor Raoult is surely smart, but a little less than 20 Chinese doctors combined, right? His real job was to find blueprints for a revolutionary mask that, even if made of paper towel, would protect us from the virus. It would come from the shape of the mask, that's why FFP000 or USB, who cares now. The virus does not like certain shapes (it does not care about colors, however) and the Professor has succeeded in developing the ultimate shape !!! So the government has posted manufacturing plans for everyone. That must be followed to the letter! And hop, we are saved! Until the virus closes its eyes to no longer see the mask and rebel.

Besides, I take this opportunity to tell his big poop bags of vacationers who have gone for a walk in Spain or in their vacation home that they are big idiots. Simply. I hear them from there:

- I don't have the virus!
- But what do you know about the con?
- I'm not sick! I have no symptoms!
- Yes, but in addition to being a son of a bitch, you can also be asymptomatic!
- Anyway, I don't care, I'm on vacation, I'm leaving. And then the others I do not care!

I don't like these people… If I had the opportunity to write their epitaph, I would mark: “finally confined! Hoping that this time it stays! ".

No, frankly, I'm telling you, I'm not at ease. So I made a decision to make myself useful to my neighbor. I decided to allow my wife to come home to take care of the children. But I'll take his place in the garden shed. I made myself 15 masks in advance, I wear a coveralls, a protective visor, layers so that I don't have to go outside. I took my Echo Show 2 to watch the series on Prime Video and get the latest news. And in particular Manu's speech that I just watched. And now, confinement is maintained until May 11! At the same time, when I see all the butt heads that pass by my house several times a day to go for a walk, to go shopping in order to buy a single wand, it will not change much for some. So it's decided, I'm going to dig a few holes and sharpen my shovel because, in the meantime, we must not sink into psychosis, but the first that approaches me, I explode!

Did i choose Alexa or did she choose me? Let's say that as a beta tester, it's a bit of both! And I do not regret having met our favorite assistant nor this adventure undertaken with Alexien Modo. Technophile, self-taught and loving popularization, I try to make our common passion easy to access!